Covert Narcissist: Signs, Tactics, and How to Handle One

Ever tried dealing with someone you thought was nice, until they weren’t? That’s what it’s like being around a covert narcissist. It’s rough. These people act calm, even humble sometimes, but behind that quiet front, they’re scheming and planning how to get you under their thumb.

Covert narcissists are even sneakier than regular narcissistic behavior. They’re harder to spot too. So, what do you do? How do you keep your sanity when someone’s playing puppet master behind the scenes?

Well, it starts with spotting the signs. Knowing how these people work gives you the power to protect yourself, and your peace.

What Is a Covert Narcissist?

A covert narcissist isn’t your typical loud, flashy “look at me” kind of person. They’re quieter. Slipperier. They’ve still got all the usual traits, like thinking they’re better than everyone else, but they’re better at hiding it.

Most times, they come off as shy or reserved, maybe even thoughtful. But underneath that quiet, there’s a lot of neediness for attention and control.

And because they don’t blow up the way an obvious narcissist might, it’s tricky. They use passive-aggressive ways instead. This could be giving you side glances, silent treatments, or weird digs you can’t prove.

If you’re wondering whether you’re dealing with one, look out for these:

• Inflated Sense of Importance
• Zero Empathy
• Sneaky Manipulation
• Believes They Deserve Special Treatment
• Can’t Handle Emotions Well
• Walks All Over Boundaries
• Hates Criticism (even mild ones)
• Socially Awkward or Anxious

Even if you spot all or some of these traits, you might still doubt yourself. They’re just that good at covering their tracks.

Understanding Covert Narcissism Vs. Classic Narcissistic Personality Disorder

When most people hear “narcissist,” they picture someone loud, maybe bragging about how great they are, right? That’s the overt kind. Covert narcissists flip the script. There are actually two major types of narcissism you’ll hear about:

• Overt Narcissism (Classic Narcissistic Personality Disorder)
• Covert Narcissism

They have the same basic blueprint underneath, just different costumes. Here’s a side-by-side:

Common Traits and Behaviors of a Covert Narcissist

Covert narcissists have a confusing collection of traits. Some days they seem harmless. Other days? They turn everything upside down.

Here’s a short list:

• Playing Mind Games
• Acting Out Without Saying Anything (Passive Aggression)
• Feeling Entitled All the Time
• Lack of Real Empathy
• Lowkey Anxiety
• Deep Fear of Being Left Behind

Even if you catch two or three of these popping up regularly, trust your gut.

Emotional Manipulation and Passive Aggression

The thing covert narcissists love to do is mess with your emotions. Quietly.
And they don’t usually yell. Instead, they’ll make you feel awful without raising their voice once.

How emotional manipulation usually looks:

And here’s the passive-aggression side:

This constant cycle of emotions can become exhausting.

Covert Narcissists in Relationships: What to Watch For

Relationships with covert narcissists can be tough. Whether it’s someone you’re dating, a close friend, or even family, the emotional drain is real.

They’re not the obvious toxic type either. They play it cool. They play it nice sometimes. Until you realize you’re trapped. Here’s what you need to keep your eye on:

Red Flags in Romantic Relationships:

• Always Emotionally Distant
• Gaslighting You Constantly
• Acting Like Your Feelings Don’t Matter
• Little Jabs and Passive-Aggressive Moves
• Making Everything About Them
• Controlling How You Feel Without You Even Noticing
• Super Touchy About Criticism

Red Flags in Friendships and Family Relationships:

• Blowing Past Your Boundaries Like They Don’t Exist
• Everything’s Always One-Sided (you give, they take)
• Guilt-Tripping You Nonstop
• Dodging Responsibility for Anything Bad
• Forever Playing the Victim

If you’re feeling drained just thinking about it, that’s a sign. Healthy relationships shouldn’t make you feel like you’re walking on broken glass.

How Covert Narcissists Use Subtle Tactics to Control

One of the nastiest things about covert narcissists is that you usually don’t realize you’re being controlled until you’re knee-deep in it.

They don’t scream or throw things. They quietly poke at your confidence until you don’t know up from down anymore.

Some tricks they pull:

• Emotional Invalidation: Making you feel like your feelings are “too much” or “wrong.”
• Gaslighting: Twisting reality until you second-guess yourself.
• Manipulation: Nudging you into doing stuff you wouldn’t normally agree to.
• Playing the Victim: Acting hurt to make you feel guilty and fold.
• Acting Dumb: “Oh, I didn’t realize that would upset you” (they knew it would).
• Ruining Special Moments: Throwing shade or picking fights right before important events so the day gets tainted.

It’s sneaky. It’s slow. And by the time you notice, they’re in your head rent-free.

Setting Boundaries With a Covert Narcissist

The first thing you have to know is that setting boundaries with a covert narcissist isn’t just smart. It’s survival. But be ready. They’re going to push. They hate boundaries. If you don’t know how you’ll do this, start here:

• Know Yourself: What makes you uncomfortable? What drains you? What’s a hard no for you?
• Communicate It Clearly: No vague hints. Spell it out. “If you yell at me, I will leave the room.”
• Stick to It: They’ll test you. Stand your ground. Every time.

If you’re inconsistent, even once? They’ll find a way to manipulate you. And yes, it’s tiring. But it’s important to remember that, keeping your mental health safe is worth it.

Can Covert Narcissists Change? What Recovery Looks Like

Here’s the million-dollar question. Can they change? The short answer? Maybe. They can only change if they’re willing to put in serious work, and most covert narcissists aren’t. It’s not impossible. But it’s rare. Real recovery would mean:

• Learning how to feel and deal with emotions like a grown-up
• Building actual two-way relationships instead of feeding off people
• Taking responsibility when they’re wrong instead of blaming everyone else

It’s a long haul. Years of therapy will be required. And only they can choose to walk that road. You can’t drag them onto it.

Most people are better off focusing on their own healing rather than waiting around for a narcissist to “get better.”

Looking for Support? Visalia Recovery Center Can Help

While you were reading this article, if anyone came to mind, or you thought, “This sounds like my life,” then you’ve been dealing with a narcissist.

Being with covert narcissists messes with your head and your heart. That’s why places like Visalia Recovery Center exist. Our team of professionals are here to help. We offer:

• Real support that doesn’t sugarcoat things
• Therapy that helps you rebuild confidence
• Guidance to help you set real boundaries

You deserve peace. You deserve real love, and real safety, not fake games. If you’re ready to put yourself first, reach out. Contact Visalia Recovery Center today.

FAQs

What is a covert narcissist?

Someone who hides their narcissism behind a fake, humble, quiet act. They’re still craving attention and control, just sneakier about it.

How do covert narcissists manipulate people?

They gaslight you, guilt-trip you, play the poor victim, and invalidate your feelings until you don’t know which way’s up.

What are the signs of a covert narcissistic relationship?

Feeling constantly drained, doubting your memories, second-guessing yourself 24/7, that’s not normal. That’s manipulation and signs of a covert narcissist.

How do you set boundaries with a covert narcissist?

Be clear. Be firm. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. And most importantly? Stick to your guns even when they whine or guilt-trip you.

Can a covert narcissist change their behavior?

They can, but it’s super rare. They have to really want to change, and most don’t want to admit there’s even a problem.